Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
Wear green, or leaf.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."