Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
You sleigh me.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.