It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.