What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Have you botany plants lately?
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!