“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin