A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.