Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.