Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.