What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.