“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.