“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey