What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I whale always love you.