Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.