“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
They say everything gets better with age.
You are aged to perfection.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.