I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.