Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.