What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.