What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What does a house wear?
Address.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.