I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!